There’s a power in vocalising your feelings. You’re left validated and confident. But when the feelings are complicated and the world seems to make you second guess yourself, silence can feel like the only option. 

Survivors of sexual abuse should never feel silenced. 

It is one of the most common and painful experiences faced by millions, from unsolicited dick pics to unwanted groping and rape. But speaking about it can feel like one of the hardest societal taboos to break. 

In recent years, sexual assault has become an even bigger topic of conversation within football. We’ve regularly seen Premier League players embroiled in sexual assault allegations, with numerous teams even continuing to play footballers – as well as keep backroom staff in positions of authority – knowing they’re under investigation for sexual or domestic violence. Since 2020, seven out of the league’s 20 clubs have had a player or boss investigated by police for sexual offences. While football is by no means the only societal space where this problem exists, there’s no denial the scale of these accusations has been shocking for many.    

According to a recent YouGov survey, an estimated 48% of women have experienced groping – a violation prevalent in football stands, too. Just a matter of months ago, a 49-year-old man was arrested in connection with sexually and physically attacking a Spurs fan when the North London club played against Brentford. Although it might seem like football is becoming a more inclusive space, cases like this can lead to football feeling like an increasingly unsafe environment for victims who often feel as if their only option is to remain silent. 

This feeling can be particularly strong if you’re from a minority group. A research paper from Black feminist group Imkaan, explains: “For minoritised women, modes of silencing operate at multiple intersecting levels – personal, family, community and society – to enable or inhibit their voice”. While Galop, the LGBT+ anti-abuse charity, found 18% of LGBT+ people surveyed had never told anyone about their most significant experience of sexual violence. And for those who did tell someone, it took a long time to open up, with only one third (32%) of respondents having spoken about the abuse within six months of the incident taking place.

But it’s time to blow that taboo wide open so sexual abuse of any kind doesn’t leave victims feeling silenced. 

Key to this are accessible options for survivors to seek support, and one such option is the 24/7 Rape & Sexual Abuse Support Line, delivered by Rape Crisis England & Wales and funded by UK Government. Open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, it’s accessible through phone and online chat and offers free, confidential and specialist emotional support and listening for anyone over 16 affected by sexual violence or abuse, living in England and Wales – with information and support in a range of languages.

Knowing a service such as this exists is only half the battle, however. Feeling like you can use it is also a monumental step. In this spirit, VERSUS and the Ministry of Justice brought together influential voices from different communities to talk about, and try to break down, some of the barriers to seeking support.

Starting the conversation

Milena Sanchez, author and podcaster, reveals: “I’ve never felt comfortable talking to my family about any form of abuse I have faced in my life. It’s only come to light recently because I’ve decided to go ahead and press charges. When I was writing the Keep The Receipts book in 2020, and got to the chapter about sex, I realised I couldn’t speak about it without talking about my abuse, and it was at that moment that for the first time I actually sat down with it and felt like I had to do something about it.”

Opening up to family may feel like an impossible ask, and one that’s made even harder if you feel you don’t have the language to talk about what happened. Alex Feis-Bryce, ex CEO of Survivors UK says: “I was 18 when I was raped, and for years I couldn’t even say the word rape. Being a man you’re socialised to think rape is only something that happens to women, perpetrated by men.” 

Jasmine Douglas, speaker and founder of Babes on Waves, notes our best intentions to break the taboo and talk, but says we fall short: “As a society we say things like “we need to talk about rape or mental health”, but we still have these really vague conversations, we never go into what this actually looks like, how it has actually affected you, and how you’re coping with it today.

“So I think what’s really great about services such as the 24/7 Support Line, is they allow you to take time to stop and reflect, and have a very personal discussion.”

‍Finding a safe, trusted space

Jasmine: “I think there’s a lot of power in having an independent support line that’s anonymous. There’s no reason for you to have any hang-ups about what’s going to happen after this conversation.”

For some people, confiding in friends is the solace they need, but Milena highlights a common worry that stops some people from turning to their inner circle: “I think you worry about becoming that person’s burden. You don’t want to put all of this on somebody when they’re dealing with their own things.

“But I feel with something like this Support Line, not only are you able to be open and honest and it’s a safe space to talk, but there’s also some guidance. Sometimes our friends can only really sit and listen. Whereas with something like this they’re able to guide and you can figure out any next steps together.”

‍Coping with guilt

There can be so many feelings of guilt after experiencing sexual abuse explains Alex. “I’m the ex Chief Executive of Survivors UK, so working in the area professionally helped. I realised it’s fine in life to make bad decisions, they shouldn’t lead to you being raped or attacked. I now know that life is complicated but rape isn’t, sexual violence isn’t. You just don’t do things to people that they don’t want you to.”

‍Overcoming cultural and societal barriers

Having the self-realisation that you’re not to blame, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of, is liberating, but often it’s only the start of the process. Many people can be burdened by the weight of cultural expectations from their own families and communities. 

Talking about her Nigerian heritage, Jasmine says: “My mum’s a very hard-working Nigerian immigrant, born and bred in a Nigerian household. I haven’t wanted to talk about things publicly because it’s that cultural thing of not wanting it to get back to the family. I don’t want to bring that shame. You feel like you’re letting the family down, even if that’s not what they explicitly say. It’s just the taboo that comes with that cultural background.”

This collective, and cultural, peer pressure can also impact people’s decision to seek support from other places. From his role at Survivors UK, Alex has seen the impact racist stereotypes had on people’s ability to seek support, particularly Black men: “I think some cultures expect men to be even more masculine and fit into certain stereotypical roles. I know there were lots of Black men out there who weren’t coming forward. And they felt they couldn’t talk to family because of the false stereotypes, such as the expectation that they could physically fight off a perpetrator.”

Speaking about added pressure felt by queer survivors, Milena notes: “If you’re being abused by your partner and you’re in a same sex relationship and it’s not public knowledge, you’re going to be really afraid to speak up.”

And with such a large portion of gay and bi men experiencing sexual abuse (45% according to Survivors UK research), Alex reflects on why the figure might be so high but the number of survivors who will report the crime remains low at only 14%. “A lot of queer people carry internalised shame and that affects how we relate to each other. I also think sex education was just so rubbish. I mean Section 28 was still around, there was no talk about same sex relationships, so I think the lack of knowing how you’re meant to have sex contributed too. 

“I think patriarchy is a big reason sexual violence exists, but even when it’s two men, a man perpetrating against another man, I think patriarchy power dynamics are still there.”

‍Defining consent

Another highly patriarchal space, when talking about sex, is pornography. Talking about its impact, Milena says: “I was exposed to it at a very young age, it definitely molded my whole sex life. I have such a love-hate relationship with porn. It’s fun. But if as a teen I’m watching it to learn, it’s toxic, it’s just for the man.”

Agreeing with the damaging influence porn can have, Jasmine says: “Being vanilla in bed has become this weird insult, so everyone is out to prove that they’re kinky even if it’s something they don’t like. It’s collective peer pressure where people are not consenting to the kind of sex they’re having, it’s actually really messed up.”

Also talking about consent Alex says: “Sex is complicated, some sexual violence might manifest itself where first there was consent. But then the situation progresses and there’s no consent – that is still sexual violence.”

What is sexual abuse

“I think it’s so insidious when we can say: “oh dick pics” and laugh because everyone has been there,” said Jasmine. “The fact it’s so ingrained in life that it’s considered a funny thing now, when it’s actually some man that you don’t know and have never spoken to, taking pictures of his junk, is so twisted.”

Milena agreed: “And I feel like so many of us have been in a situation unfortunately where it’s just like: ‘Hmmm was that abuse? Let me not make it a big deal, let me not say anything just in case’.”

As someone who used to work in support services Alex offers his thoughts on why it’s worth reaching out: “It sounds cliché but you don’t have anything to lose but you’ve got a lot to gain. I’ve never had a conversation with anyone who has said “I wish I hadn’t reached out”. Whereas I’m a person who wishes they had reached out. Every good service including this one is non-judgmental, you can be anonymous and take it at your own pace.”

Jasmine: “If I were to say anything to my younger self it would be: you don’t owe anyone in this world anything and that’s okay.”

Milena: “[Sex] is for you, the pleasure is yours, if you don’t want to do it you can say no.”

Alex: “You don’t need to have sex with people to feel valued by them.”

‍If you’ve ever experienced sexual violence or abuse, free, specialist and confidential support is available via the 24/7 Rape & Sexual Abuse Support Line, which is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Call 0808 500 2222 or visit 247sexualabusesupport.org.uk to chat online or find out more.